Grief

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” Of course it had to be a Disney quote, but it’s just so true and it gets me through. I read a quote from a poem that said, “If love alone could have saved you you never would have died,” and instead of crying I actually chuckled, thinking in true mentor text copy change style, “yeah if belly rubs alone could have saved you you never would have died.”

I am extra teary thinking about you lately, it could be your two year anniversary is coming, or it could just be grief. Grief is like an eight ball that contains all the emotions felt as a result of a loss, and you just never know which one you’re going to get when you shake that ball. Some days I smile at your memories, others I cry, some days I am numb, others I am sad. I miss you sleeping curled up by my feet, I miss your sleepy body coming into the bathroom shaking to wake up, I miss you liking my ankle as I brush my teeth in the morning as your way of saying, “Hi, I’m up” I miss your constant demands for belly rubs by grabbing our hand or foot with your paw, I miss you being my shadow around the house, but most of all I miss your excitement, jumps and tail wags anytime I came in through the door.

Today someone shared a glimpse into mourning the loss of their dog, and I felt a little less alone. Research shows that grief following the loss of a pet can be comparable to losing a person and, in some cases, even more complicated. It’s also true that society doesn’t deem it as serious as when a human dies. I sometimes tell myself, “It’s about to be two years, get over it,” but I think this is me internalizing that society doesn’t recognize that pet bereavement is not unlike grieving another human. They say a pet is like family, yet when a pet passes away you’re expected to move on quicker or do something to get over it, as if the pain of the loss doesn’t feel the same as it does when a human family member passes away. Imagine me saying to a mother who lost a child, “Oh just have another one, it will help you get through the grief faster.” Or saying, “Well, they had a short but great life.” I know it’s well intended, but pain is pain, and I wish my pain was acknowledged and recognized to be just as valid as if you had been human. To them you are just a pet, but to me you were MY baby for 15.5 years. 

I also read that if you experience love, then the loss of that love will produce grief, and grief is unexpressed love we still have. I had and still have so much love for you. It’s also true that grief is easier to carry as time goes by, not that it ever disappears or goes away, it just feels lighter. People get uncomfortable when they see tears, and I understand their intent is to make me feel better, but I wish they could just sit with it and be okay. I can’t control the emotion that grief will bubble up to the surface, but I promise I am okay. I think I tried to keep myself busy to keep myself from falling apart. I constantly heard that I gave you a long happy life and that was enough. The thing people don’t seem to understand is I have been changed forever and will never be the same, I will miss you for the rest of my days.