The Thing About Life by Jamie Lanham

 The thing about excursions is that they’re not as glamorous as what’s advertised. 

They herd you like cattle to a bus or a van and give very little information about how long it will take to get to the destination.  

While on a cruise with my wife and some friends, I was unprepared to spend almost 45 minutes on a bus, a single adventurer among partnered up strangers, driving up the coast of Grand Cayman in the Caribbean.  

The thing about plans is that sometimes they change.  I was solo because my friend who was signed up to come with me on this excursion had to change her plan at the last minute because her wife was scared and crying about their stupid sunken ship snorkeling trip and she had to go with her to be supportive. 

Once we arrived to the Dolphin Discovery Center, I was able to move quickly, my singleness paying off.  I was the first to cue up on the dock.

The thing about life vests is they’re torture devices universally referred to as safety gear.  Sure, they’ll save your life in a drowning situation but life on land and non-drowning situations is insufferable.  So as I lowered myself into the water, I did some self-talk about the fact that I was not, in fact, being suffocated by the life preserving mechanism strapped to my upper body.

Once in the water I pictured myself as a young child sitting on the couch watching Full House as Danny Tanner and his family playfully frolicked with dolphins in the ocean on their family trip to Hawaii.  I couldn’t believe I was about to have my own magical moment.   

The thing about 90’s sitcoms is they skew reality and give false impressions of what the real world actually has to offer.

I had anticipated warm waters, friendly trainers, playful dolphins, and sharing this moment with friends.  In reality, I was treading water in an attempt to stay warm while a bossy trainer kept those of us who had paid for the bare minimum next to the dock.  And the only person I had to share the experience with was a lesbian named Barb who looked exactly like Gary Busey.  

The thing about life is that it’s weird and wildly unpredictable.

Ultimately I enjoyed the Dolphin Discovery excursion but more importantly I gained meaningful takeaways from the experience. Plans change and we pivot.  Reality cannot be compared to childhood TV shows.  Anxiety exists in the form of restrictive safety gear.  You pay for what you get.